Firetruck Birthday

As you might remember, Lyla's due date falls on Emerson's 2nd birthday.  So, we decided to have Emerson's birthday party two weeks before the due date.  This guy was super, duper excited.  He walked around singing "Happy Birthday, dear Emerson.  Happy Birthday to you!"  all morning.  And if you ask him how old he is (and he actually answers you), he says, "I be two!" and holds up two hands (not two fingers). 

We started Saturday off with breakfast as The Golden Kolache Bakery in Johnson.  If you have never tried this place, you must.  I know Fayetteville has a ton of great breakfast places, but you will be glad if you visit this one.  It's one of our faves. 

Later we headed to the fire station in downtown Fayetteville.  We got a wonderful tour and the firemen were so friendly and great with Emerson (who was completely serious the whole time, because he was so in awe). 

Then it was off to Firehouse Subs (see the theme?).

And we had a quick nap time before the party :)  All Emerson's biggest fans (family and a few friends) came to celebrate.  We started out with some present opening, which Emerson is an old pro at these days.  Let's just say Emerson is set for toys for a long, long while.

And then we had some hotdogs and some of this delicious firetruck cake that my mother-in-law made!  Aren't you impressed?  It had oreo wheels, licorice ladder and hoses, and gumdrop lights.  Emerson was a huge fan.  He didn't waste a crumb, except for everything that ended up on his face. 

I think Emerson enjoyed his birthday party and felt as loved as a little boy can.  I can't believe he's already (almost) two.  It seems like yesterday he was the one I was bringing home from the hospital!

I can't talk about it anymore or I'll cry.  Yes, I'm one of those moms who has to grieve every time her child has a birthday.  This boy has had my heart from day one. 

38 weeks

At 38 weeks, I am 2.5 cm dilated and 60% effaced.  Dr. Hinton (whom I just love) says Lyla dropped, so hopefully that means she'll come soon?  I measured 34 cm, instead of 38, so maybe that means she's pretty low?  I feel like I still look high, but what do I know... lol.

Now that Emerson's birthday party is over and I've tackled most things on my to-do list, I am "ready" for her to come.  It feels like waiting now :)  Last week it felt more like "Lyla, stay put until I can get this, this, and this done!"  Even though I told myself after Emerson's birth that I will not expect my next child to come before their due date, I am already doing it.  Ha.  If she decides to wait 2 more weeks, I will just try my best to enjoy this time with our family of 3.  Here are some belly shots comparing Lyla and Emerson:

38 wks with Lyla

38 wks with Emerson

A Very Difficult Decision

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted.  I'm sorry for that.  Blogging has been put on the back burner for several reasons.  Hopefully I will haves several posts this week as I have a lot to blog about now!

So.. I haven't really looked forward to this post.  As you could probably tell by my past posts about foster care, I have really been struggling through it.  The last month, Caleb and I have been praying about and discussing whether we should continue taking long-term foster care placements for now.  For some reason, when we began doing foster care, I began to experience anxiety and stress and feelings of being overwhelmed like I've never experienced before.  My sleep was a wreck and I felt on edge at all times.  My God-given roles as a wife and mother were suffering.  I was not at peace at all.  And the thought of having a newborn on top of it sent me into even greater fear and doubt and emotions. 

After much prayer and being back and forth, we finally decided it wasn't healthy for our family to take on such a huge task right now, especially while our children are still so young and at such demanding ages.  We felt a huge sense of peace about the decision. 

The difficult thing about the decision is that it doesn't affect just us.  Miss M's case was seeming to get longer and longer, so it would obviously affect her stay here.  We called the caseworker about 1.5 weeks ago and she was able to find a place for Miss M pretty quickly.  So after talking to Miss M about our decision and trying to make the last few days special for her, we packed her things and said "see you soon".  I have to be honest, it was an emotional few days, especially for Miss M and I.  Even though it was hard, we did grow to love her and it was evidenced by the sadness we felt for her when she left.  Please, please be praying for this girl.  I hate how broken our world is and how little innocent, vulnerable children are hurt by it. 

It was one of the hardest decisions we've made in awhile.  And I still daily struggle with thoughts of doubt and confusion and wonder about why this happened.  What was the point?  Did more damage come out of it than good?  Am I a failure?  Did I just not lean on God enough?  Did God not "make all grace abound to me so I could abound in every good work" like His word promises?  Do I not have enough faith?  Was it not God's will for us to take her in the first place?  Lots of questions and doubts on my mind and heart, to be honest.  So, if you think of it, please pray for me too. 

We do still feel like God has called us to this in some form or another.  In the more near future, it will probably look like respite care (short term placements).  And we do hope to eventually adopt through foster care.  But obviously, now we better understand the weight of that decision and we will try to seek God's will and complete clarity and discernment about what that is.   I'm sorry this post does not really end on a "happy note", but that's how I'm feeling about the whole situation anyway.  We do believe this decision is what God has led us to and we feel peace about it, but it is still a struggle, especially in understanding the answers to all the questions I mentioned above.  I want to thank you for your prayers along the way and the support from our amazing friends and church family.  In that way, we do feel very blessed.  Thanks, friends.

February

While cooking dinner one night I turned back around to find that this little man had dumped an entire box of baking soda on the floor.  It probably didn't teach him any important lessons when the first thing I did was grab the camera.  The next day when he dumped dog food on the floor and thought it was funny, I actually had to discipline.

Frosting and enjoying Valentine cupcakes :)

Our first time to see our house covered in snow!

This was Emerson's first time to play in the snow!  And his and Miss M's first time making a snow man.  Poor Miss M had to be cropped out of a few of these pictures due to privacy reasons :(  But Emerson LOVED the snow and did not want to come inside, no matter how frozen his little fingers were.  And yes, those are my socks on his hands.  I can never find two mittens when I need them!

I adore this picture of Emerson below.  It captures his personality and behavior very well.  He had a slinky tucked in his pants as his tail (he was a lion) and he was jumping up and down (as I'm sure you have seen him do out of excitement if you've ever visited our house).  Slinky tail, mid air, and tongue out.  Love that boy.

 

36 weeks, friends!  We are closing in!

Emerson began sleeping nights in his big boy bed this weekend.  So far, so good!  And so grateful!  Though, he has discovered that if he is quiet enough after his naps, he can sneak up on the changing table and completely coat his baby wipe warmer in hand sanitizer.  He even tried to hide his tracks one day by wiping it up with the baby wipes.  But as soon as I walked into his room and it reeked of sanitizer, I knew something went down.  It was one of those parenting moments I had to try not to laugh.  Needless to say, the sanitizer has been removed from his room. 

I also spent the weekend washing and organizing Lyla's clothes!  We begin our weekly appointments this week!  I cannot wait to meet our sweet daughter.  I have been pretty uncomfortable at night lately and have not had very good sleep, so I'm hoping she makes her deput soon.  We shall see!

Abundance of the Heart

"For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks."

Almost 7 weeks we have housed Miss M through foster care.  And many times the past 7 weeks I have raised my voice in anger and frustration towards the kids.  When Emerson was an infant, he was very jumpy and would startle at any sudden noise (even if it wasn't loud) and cry.  I've joked that Lyla will not be this way at all because she has been exposed to my raised voice so much before she even comes out of the womb!

If the words of my mouth reflect the condition of my heart, then I am in serious need of a Savior.  Foster care has not only reminded me of how dependent I am on Christ from moment to moment, but also for my salvation.  I've struggled with things I haven't struggled with in a long time... anger, controlling my tongue, being nice, etc.  I have an ugly, sinful heart and I need a Savior.  This is an important truth I don't want to forget.  How sanctifying this experience is. 

The good works that the Lord prepared in advance for me to do are not possible out of the "goodness of my own heart".  Obviously, my heart is ugly and incapable of producing righteousness on my own.  Christ is the only goodness in me and my only hope.

After church on Sunday this little old lady sweetly told us that it was a very "righteous" thing that we were doing by doing foster care.  It kind of made me laugh a little because any "righteousness" I felt at the beginning is long gone.  Foster care has continued to show me how unrighteous and sinful I am.  I just hope that despite my failures, God is using this experience to reveal Himself and His love to Miss M and anyone else He desires.

God is my perfect example of love.  He lavishes grace upon grace on me.  Mercy upon mercy.  How does He do it so freely?  I don't understand.  It's so hard for me to offer grace upon grace to Miss M some days.  My kindness each day is dependent on my heart's condition that day.  I need to pray for my kids and husband daily.  I need prayer.  I need Scripture.  I need to be filled with the Spirit.  Without these things I have nothing to offer.  My heart will be ugly and my words will reflect that.  Lord, fill me daily.  Make my heart right.

A Getaway & Sprinkle

This past weekend Caleb and I had a little getaway before Lyla comes.  We did a local getaway and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law came and watched the kids for us.  It was so. good.  So nice to get away and just have adult conversation the whole time and not have to discipline constantly.  We stayed at the Inn at the Mill (which we thoroughly enjoyed), ate out, saw a movie, went on a walk, and most importantly, slept in.  It such such a refreshing, restful getaway.  I am so glad we did it and so grateful for my in-laws to help us out so we could do so.  It seems that by adding just one more kid, you really feel like you need and deserve a break.  It makes it that much sweeter.  We decided we would like to make a point to make regular dates happen.  If our marriage is strengthened then our family is strengthened.  It is so worth it.  Marriage needs to come before the kids. 

Anyway, my sister also threw a "sprinkle" for me and Lyla this past weekend.  It was fun to get together with my girl friends and celebrate Lyla.  I am so blessed by my friendships and family relationships.  I loved it because there were 4 other babies at the shower and all were girls!  So fun!  I think it is safe to say that Lyla is pretty set for clothes (with having female cousins, plus gifts!). 

We also have been transitioning Emerson to his big boy bed.  So far he has been napping in it during the day and sleeping in his crib at night.  So far, so good.  Hopefully he will be good and comfortable in his big boy bed by the time Lyla needs the crib.  I'm not too worried about it. 

Emerson also got to interact with my niece, Nolah, this passed weekend.  He is so cute with her because he tries to be too gentle.  For example, he would roll the ball to her so gently that it would only roll like 5 inches and it wouldn't even make it to her.  I think he will be such a sweet big brother. 

I am pretty excited for Lyla's arrival and I can't wait to hold her in my arms.  She is pretty loved already.  In two weeks I start my weekly appointments, so we are getting close!  We feel so blessed to have a growing family. 

My Life is a Musical

Emerson sings and sings these days.  Especially when we are driving somewhere.  Sometimes he serenades the people in the aisles of Wal-Mart.  I've gotten to where I don't really notice until some stranger makes a comment about him singing.  We've gotten several of those.  So I've tried many times to get a video of him singing, but he is always more concerned with watching himself on the camera than performing for the camera.  This was a video I took of him singing twinkle, twinkle a few weeks ago.  The best I've gotten so far.  He gets distracted at the end by the huge coffee stain in the middle of the carpet from me spilling my coffee.. so that's what he's referring to when he says "mess right here".