5 AM

Friends, last week I was feeling so discouraged.  One smaller disappointment was that we came so close to making an offer on a house I love and decided not to in order to save a larger emergency fund as Dave Ramsey suggests.  We will probably be in a home before baby is born.  I think this was a wise decision and I am trusting that the Lord will provide a suitable home for our family in his perfect timing.  So I wasn't too bummed about this. 

But the harder thing for me this past week was that Emerson's sleep was suff-er-ing.  So my sleep as suff-er-ing.  And up through last week, I was still very first trimester-y in that I was tired and needed sleep badly.  There were tears shed for sure.  Emerson had a couple of nights where he was up a few hours in the night AND he was up in the 5 o'clock hour most days.  I felt exhausted and wanted to cry when I heard him cry in the night.  You bet this affected my patience and joy in mothering.

So, I have had a few convictions and I am grateful that God uses moments like these to grow us and teach us valuable lessons.  I was reminded that I should not cling too tightly to earthly things (like houses or sleep), but should instead set my heart and mind on things above.  All areas of my life should be driven by the gospel.  How does our budget promote the gospel?  How do I spread the gospel with my time?  Do I dwell on the gospel with  my thoughts?  What do my actions say about what I believe about the gospel?  Will my children catch the message of my gospel by how patient I am with them in the middle of the night? 

I have friends who have lost children, young and old.  And I never ever want to look back at my life and think that I wish I had treated my kids in a kinder manner.  Like my mom said, I should try to value every moment I have with them. 

So, I made a decision.  I'm going to try something.  I'm only committing to 30 days to start out.  But I am going to try to wake up each morning around 5 AM.  If Emerson continues to sleep, I will spend time in the Word and in prayer.  I feel that if I make this choice each morning, then when my children and husband arise, I will be more full of grace, compassion, love, and joy.  I think the mom can easily set the mood for the day for the entire family.  If Emerson wakes when I wake, then I won't be bitter about him waking so early, because I would already be up anyway.  More quality time with the boy, right? 

This morning was my first morning waking at 5:20ish.  Emerson also woke :)  So I rocked him and he slept in my arms for awhile and I prayed over him.  I was still able to use this time for prayer and this is a great way for me to intentionally pray over him.  And he was so sweet while he was sleeping and I just wanted to freeze time, just like when he was a newborn.  I had a bittersweet thought about how in 10 years, there is no way he's going to sit on my lap and let me rock him to sleep, even if I begged.  I need to cherish this stage he is in and realize it will not last forever and I WILL actually miss it one day.

Anyway, sorry for such a long post.  I just think the Lord is working on my heart a little bit.  Nothing like a little refining :)  I think this new change will help me to better serve and proclaim the gospel to my  little family.