Sanctification

Friends, we have survived three weeks with "miss M".  I am going to try to not make this whole post about foster care since that's all I've written about lately.  It's harder to find time to blog with 2, because now my free moments are spent packing lunches, or resting, or in prayer, because I've learned I cannot do this on my own! 

We have mostly really great days.  Days where we just feel like a family and have fun and can see how rewarding foster care is, or can see progress in miss M's life.  And then we have some rough days.  Days where miss M is up a lot in the night and I can't fall back asleep, so after lying awake 2 hours I just cry in bed and Caleb pats my back.  I've had one or two nights where I feel like I am having an anxiety attack in bed, feeling overwhelmed and overcome with stress and fear.  Fear about whether this will get better before Lyla comes.  Can I really handle two sleepless children?  I don't handle lack of sleep well. 

So, I came to a conclusion.  I cannot do this on my own.  I need God to give me strength.  And also, I realized that foster care (and motherhood in general) is very, very sanctifying.  I am reminded of my weakness and sinfulness and need of a Savior.  Being refined is not fun.  My sin being brought to the surface before my face is hard.  Trying to grow in those areas and not give in to my anger or fear or doubt is hard.  But it's worth it, right?  That's what I keep telling myself.  This trying experience will sanctify me and make me more like Christ, I hope.  I imagine I will be much slower to anger 10 years from now than I am now.  Hopefully my faith will be stronger too and I won't doubt God's sovereignty and goodwill for my life.  Each day I need God's help.  We don't doubt this is God's will for us right now.  Yes, I know it affects Emerson.  But I trust that God will accomplish his purposes through this experience in Emerson's heart and life.  My biggest praise right now has been how well Emerson has done with it.  God is good. 

In other news, I will be 32 weeks pregnant on Sunday.  I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I admit this pregnancy has been harder than the last and it has been difficult for me to have a good attitude at times.  I'm starting to think she is going to be a big girl... The next 8 weeks couldn't go fast enough :)  At the same time, I know it will be an adjustment to have a newborn again once she comes.  I am sad to give up naptime, which is sacred to me.  It keeps me sane.  God was faithful to give me the energy and joy I needed when Emerson was an infant, so I trust He will do it again. 

Our near future holds a Razorback game, a baby "sprinkle", friends visiting, a 2nd birthday party for Emerson, Easter, Lyla, et cetera. So I will try to update regularly.   Thanks for reading friends.  Sorry if this post sounded a little negative.. I just want to document what I'm really feeling and experiencing at this point in our journey.  I must say we do have a lot of good and just a little bad sometimes.  Overall, we have had a good experience doing foster care and feel blessed that God wants to use fallen parents like us to care for the fatherless.  Have a blessed weekend!