Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. I'm sorry for that. Blogging has been put on the back burner for several reasons. Hopefully I will haves several posts this week as I have a lot to blog about now!
So.. I haven't really looked forward to this post. As you could probably tell by my past posts about foster care, I have really been struggling through it. The last month, Caleb and I have been praying about and discussing whether we should continue taking long-term foster care placements for now. For some reason, when we began doing foster care, I began to experience anxiety and stress and feelings of being overwhelmed like I've never experienced before. My sleep was a wreck and I felt on edge at all times. My God-given roles as a wife and mother were suffering. I was not at peace at all. And the thought of having a newborn on top of it sent me into even greater fear and doubt and emotions.
After much prayer and being back and forth, we finally decided it wasn't healthy for our family to take on such a huge task right now, especially while our children are still so young and at such demanding ages. We felt a huge sense of peace about the decision.
The difficult thing about the decision is that it doesn't affect just us. Miss M's case was seeming to get longer and longer, so it would obviously affect her stay here. We called the caseworker about 1.5 weeks ago and she was able to find a place for Miss M pretty quickly. So after talking to Miss M about our decision and trying to make the last few days special for her, we packed her things and said "see you soon". I have to be honest, it was an emotional few days, especially for Miss M and I. Even though it was hard, we did grow to love her and it was evidenced by the sadness we felt for her when she left. Please, please be praying for this girl. I hate how broken our world is and how little innocent, vulnerable children are hurt by it.
It was one of the hardest decisions we've made in awhile. And I still daily struggle with thoughts of doubt and confusion and wonder about why this happened. What was the point? Did more damage come out of it than good? Am I a failure? Did I just not lean on God enough? Did God not "make all grace abound to me so I could abound in every good work" like His word promises? Do I not have enough faith? Was it not God's will for us to take her in the first place? Lots of questions and doubts on my mind and heart, to be honest. So, if you think of it, please pray for me too.
We do still feel like God has called us to this in some form or another. In the more near future, it will probably look like respite care (short term placements). And we do hope to eventually adopt through foster care. But obviously, now we better understand the weight of that decision and we will try to seek God's will and complete clarity and discernment about what that is. I'm sorry this post does not really end on a "happy note", but that's how I'm feeling about the whole situation anyway. We do believe this decision is what God has led us to and we feel peace about it, but it is still a struggle, especially in understanding the answers to all the questions I mentioned above. I want to thank you for your prayers along the way and the support from our amazing friends and church family. In that way, we do feel very blessed. Thanks, friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment